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Roller Coaster Rides of Life

Happiness for Me

final-happy

“Happiness” – a word that cannot be defined in one sentence. For some it is wealth,  some define it as laughter,  some enjoy craziness and call it happiness, and so on..But for me it is silent smiles, satisfaction, and glitter/sparkle that appear in eyes of my loved ones seeing me. It is little things that make them proud of me. Their happiness is somehow linked to me feeling good about myself. Therefore, I term it as my happiness.

These little happy moments bring me joy even today and will cherish forever. I still remember my childhood days, when my father use to deliberately sing incorrect rhymes waiting for me to give expressions and sing the correct one dancing. I still remember me running and standing on the bed to sing “Dhobi aaya Dhobhi aaya” whenever the iron man use to visit our house to take clothes for ironing, becoming a teacher for my father & uncle complaining my grandfather that they do not know anything and much more. These are little moments of joy, laughter, and fun that brings smile of my face but cannot be termed as what I call real happiness. Happiness for me is seeing them happy because of me. Few instances that bring tears of joy in my eyes and what I call sheer happiness are:

  • When I saw my grandfather touching his turban smiling with sparkle in his eyes saying “Meri poti hai, fakar hai mera (she is my granddaughter, my pride)” to one of his friends when he came all the way home to praise some of the values I carry. My grandmother told he narrated some of instances in neighborhood when I helped someone and may be took a stand for someone once. Also, I could see my grandmother’s enthusiasm and her head held high while she was narrating all this to me. She asked me, “You never told me that you daily wish that old couple in the morning, place their chairs right besides and then walk for your college bus”. I just giggled and walked away that time but it gave me immense happiness.
  • The day I brought home my first salary after becoming an engineer and gave it my mom. I was so happy to see the pride in her eyes and specially to hear the response from her kissing my forehead “Who is the eldest in the family? Go, hand it over to them, and thank them for their blessings. You must see the happiness on their face.” I kissed on her cheek, ran downstairs to my grandparents and handed over my first salary to my grand mom with excitement. She took it in her hands and shouted my grandfather’s name with joy saying “Mai keha ji, dekho tuhadi poti apni pehli tankha leke aayi hai (dear hubby, see your grand daughter has brought her first salary today)” handing it over to him. My grandfather eyes were filled with tears. He hugged me, kissed my forehead and handed it back to me saying “Give it to your father and mother, they deserve it. Whatever you are today, it’s because of your hard work for studies and their hard work to make you what you are today”. I was speechless seeing the love and respect for one another in the family.
  • It was tearful to see my father holding my engineering degree in his hands, looking at my late grandfather’s photograph and saying with heavy heart and voice “Appi aj papaji hunde na te ohna ne bahut khush hona si teri degree dekh ke. Tere sare certificate pehle v oh mathe te laake chumke vapis karde c. Ohna nu bahut shonk si ke mera koi putar engineer ya doctor bane, aj tu ohna di khwaish puri kiti hai. Fakar hai tere te puttar mainu. (If your late grandfather was there, he would really have been very very happy seeing your engineering degree. He always have cherished your certificates placing on his forehead, kissing them and then returning them back. He always wished one of his son’s to become an engineer or a doctor. You have fulfilled his desire today, proud of you)”. This incident not only gave me pride but a message of togetherness and respect. This made me realize we can cherish the words of elders even after they are no longer with us.
  • I remember my uncle telling everyone with a lot of pride “Dekho sadi Appi, paawe jaldi viah ho gya ohda, paawe field change kiti ohne apni job di paawe kuch v si. Aj fer apne parian te khadi hai. Jaandeyan hi job mil jaandi hai ohnu paawe Delhi paawe Bangalore. Apne parian te apne bacheyan nu dekhke khushi hundi hai. Apne maa baap di mehant zaaya ni kiti ohne kadi v. (See my niece Appi, inspite of getting married early, whether she had to change her job field, start her career again, she has again established herself very nicely. She has always honored her parents hard work for her and not let go it waste.)”. When I use to hear it from my mother, my aunty and my cousins, it gave me a sense of accomplishment and motivated me to work harder and reach my goals. I feel someone is there to care for me, tap my back, appreciate and say “good going”.
  • After some years of my marriage, when I heard from my grandmother and mother and thereafter myself; about my mother in-law praising me saying “Saadi Appi te all rounder hai. Oh te meri teean vargi nuh hai. Badi siyani te intelligent hai. Office v dekhdi hai te ghar v dhyan rakhdi hai sanu koi takleef na hoye. Bada sochdi hai sade baare ki sanu koi takleef na hoye. Ghar nu jodke rakhdi hai oh. Hasdi rehandi hai bacheyan vaang. Mainu dilon bahut changi lagdi hai. Meriyan bahut aseesan lagnian ne ohnu dekhna tusi. (Our Appi is an all rounder. She is my daughter in law that my own daughter would have been, very understanding and intelligent. She very well takes care of office and home both and makes every effort that we do not have to face any trouble with anything. She keeps the family united, always laughing like kids. I love her a lot from core of my heart. You see one day all my blessing are gonna take her places. )” In a marriage, one of my relatives from in laws side called my parents and told “Your daughter is really a diamond. She is very loving and caring. She is just like a kid yet so mature & understanding. What did you eat when you gave a her birth.” Similarly, when my and my husband’s maternal uncle who got us engaged puts his hand on my head and told “You know I felt really proud when your husband’s uncle from father’s side met me in a wedding function and said “Tusi saanu bahut acha rishta milaya hai. Kudhi bahut hi changi, siyani, te down to earth hai. Thank you. (You have made us met very nice people and given us nice relatives. The girl is very nice, understanding, and down to earth. Thanks!)” When I hear these words of praise, it gives me a sense of achievement and accomplishment to be able to make love for myself in their hearts, to respectfully carry my values and learning of love, care and being united to my another home and make my parents proud of me. For a child, it is nothing more valuable than seeing their parents hold their head high because of their children not only from educational, professional, but on personal front also.

Whenever I recollect these moments I feel something striking my heart, broken pieces of my heart getting re-assembled, a sense of accomplishment and pride to have successfully handled and gone through all the good and worst times of life. No matter whatever is happening in my current life, this feeling contemplates me/my present life, gives me an inspiration that I will be able to handle whatever situation arises without tearing me apart, and prepares me for the worst or good time yet to come. For me, this feeling which makes me cherish the past, helps me live & enjoy the present, and have a carefree attitude for future is HAPPINESS for me.

Life At a Glance

4th Dec, 2015..7 PM.. Tired from long meetings, hectic project discussions, messing with project plans and piled up work; I just threw my bag in the cab, put on my ear phones to listen some soothing music to take off my office hangover. Gazing people around while travelling back to home took me to a different world.

girl

As I got down the fly over and entered the street with shops around, I could see a women running behind her child holding some packet/toy (do not know what exactly was there) to stop him going behind the street vendor with little pet toys in his hand. I saw a little girl with candy floss in her hand offering it very sweetly to her mother.

child running

It took me back to my childhood – the days when little things like toys, candy floss held so much importance in our life and brought us unmeasurable happiness. Today, we have big things like own house, car etc. but still we are not able to enjoy that happiness and cherish it. We are tied up with ‘n’ number of tasks (whether household work or office work) that we forget to enjoy little things in life. We tend to hide or stop the child within ourselves thinking all this is very small in front of the big things we have. If some people enjoy such small things, we call them ridiculous. But why? I think many of us would not have an answer to this.

kill child

I moved on with my thoughts and travel. Took off my ear phones, switched off my mobile, opened the car window and started looking out again.

The cab driver stopped at the traffic lights with a nearby small tea stall. Some people were talking to each other with a glass of tea in their hand and some were sitting on the slab waiting for the tea. On the other side of the tea stall, I saw a very old couple nearly 80’s in their age. The old woman held a cup of tea in her hands and her husband stood with an umbrella sheltering his wife drinking tea. It was lovely to see them standing peacefully in a corner not bothering about the rest of the world, talking to each other and sharing the same tea.

old couple

It gave me a message of love, care, and peace. This show dragged my thoughts to our so called latest “Lifestyle”. Today, we all are so well equipped with technologies that we hardly find time for one another. In fact, we do not want to take out time for ourselves. I hardly remember when I had time away from my electronic gadgets especially mobile. Nowadays, people have their own world of WhatsApp, Facebook, and many other apps on mobile and rather speaking to one another or meeting one another, they interact via Apps or phone. Emotions/feelings are not felt by people anymore, rather these are expressed via Apps or social media. I wonder we have lost the human touch. It is good to have technologies in place and it eases our lives, but not on the cost of mankind, closeness that two people share amongst themselves, and time they spend together.

Thinking all this I reached home. I got down from my car, thanked the cab driver and entered my apartment. It is late night 11:30pm but I am still thinking about little things we tend to miss in our daily lives. I am still trying to find out what Life is all about and are we living the life or just residing.

thinking life

The Outsider

The Outsiders

outsider

Generally, an outsider is referred to a person who does not belong to a particular group but complex lives of complicated people ended up giving a different meaning to this word. Many a times, one feels as an outsider even if you have been living with someone since a long time. Why does it happen? Have you ever thought of it.

Most people would say it is related to one’s mindset or some say it’s a time phase. But, is it so? I don’t think it is related to either of these. A person is forced to feel as an “outsider” because of the ignorant, rude, or selfish behaviour of the other person or specific set of people. If someone says, it is related to mindset, that mindset of the other person is created by your unusual behaviour towards him/her.

Let’s take a common example of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or a husband-wife relationship.

young couple

Think of the day you first met your girlfriend or wife, her first looks or voice or some specific quality took your breath away for a second that made you fall in love with her. Your behaviour with her was absolutely different then as compared to today. You may have tried making her comfortable conversing with her as much as you could, going out or spending time with her, giggling or laughing with her cracking jokes or talking to her what she likes. Why so? Now, you give priority to other things. The girl who was your first priority then is now expected to understand about your other priorities. Why now after a year or some months, you expect her to know or understand your differentiated behaviour. However, she understands you have other priorities too and are busy balancing work, life, family but never demands entire day of yours. She is still the same girl, may be grown in age, but the heart that used to beat for you is still the same. Like you, she is also balancing new people, new family, work, and may be children. It is not that she is unable to understand or it’s her mindest that makes her feel an outsider at your place, it is your changed behaviour that makes her feel so.

Let’s take another example.

sad man

What if post your marriage you are asked to stay with your in-laws and she doesn’t give you any special attention. She treats you just like other members of her family. As before her marriage, her parents are discussing important things with her least bothering about your opinion on it. Will you not feel as an outsider among your own new family? Will you still call it a mindest issue or time phase?

Think yourself to be in shoes of the person who thinks himself/herself to be an outsider. You will surely try to relate, analyse, and judge what is missing from my end that she/he is thinking like this. You will definitely get a solution to what things can be fixed or improved to make the other person not feel so. Your loved and cuddled behaviour can surely make the other person feel one of among you all.the end

The Great Pretender – A Manipulator

The Great Pretender

 pretender
Commonly many people unknowkingly suffer from Imposter Syndrome. They think themselves to be confident enough to let the other down or manipulate them. They show and pretend as if they are the masters of the world having utmost experience in every field and can handle anything, anywhere, anytime efficiently; which actually is not the case.
I have come across many such people who say something else, are something else (i.e. a different personality than they show), and do utlimately something else and leave the person who trusts them surprised and shattered. It is a matter of over confidence that gets built in them as and when they get proved right for their wrong things/deeds. One of my known relative always use to project herself as an efficient lady who has been a great sufferer of miseries but never felt bad about anything. She use to narrate ‘n’ number of stories telling “I use to follow my elders blindly as they carry more experience, never use to talk to them in high pitch” and pretend calling up people in front of me showing that she likes to mingle up with family, relatives & people. She use to pretend as if people respect her to a level where they wish they get a chance to become family with her.
But when I stayed with her, the story was totally opposite. She was the one pretending to be very mature, logical and understanding to some of her loved ones to have a control/hold of everything. She pretended all this so that new people in the family follow the same rules she narrated regarding blindly following their elders and not uttering a word in front of them; as elder in this case was her. After my various interactions with other relatives and people, it showed in their eyes and expressions how much they respect her and think her to be perfect. They tend to avoid any converstaions with her to avoid her taunts or hurting comments with a fake smile on her face.
This is one such incident where she was a great pretender and actual reality was something else. The biggest punch of the story is that inspite of so many incidents that proved her wrong, she still thinks she was, is, will always be right and tries to show how much she cares about others (showing she does not have any advantage from a particular thing for which she is guiding, however, she will always have a hidden benefit).  Such experiences and instances prove how people suffering from Imposter Syndrome tend to achieve their selfish goals manipulating others.

Memories

  • There was someone who used to sing lullabies for me,
    There was someone who used to narrate stories and fables to me,
    There was someone who used to make me laugh,
    With his endearment and caress he made me learn to live life.

    There was someone who used to tell me that you may face many obstacles and hardships in life but never ever get afraid,
    Whatever comes your way face it with courage,
    But remember never hurt anyone with your deeds,
    Remember you do not make anyone cry because of you.

    You are my pride, fight with difficulties, move ahead, do/achieve something in life,
    Achieve success, reach high levels, become an honorable person but never lose or forget your identity,
    Whatever happens in life never cry,
    I will always be there with you,
    May I not be there in this world, but I’ll always be there as your right hand.

    Today, he may not be there with me in this world,
    But his talks, his teachings, his memories are there with me every moment.
    Today also when I picked up my foot to walk, I thought someone walked with me,
    Someone with a silent smile kept a hand with love on my head,
    Someone quietly whispered in my ear “Be happy”,
    I quickly turned to see if there was someone behind but found on one,
    I screamed “Papaji (grandfather) where are you?”,
    But heard no voice, there was no one.
    Immediately my heart pumped and I heard a voice saying “ Appy (my nick name which he used to call me with love), I am here inside you, within you, wherever you go, I’ll be there with you.”

Gone Are The Days…

  • Gone are the days of love and care,
    Gone are the days when I had lots of time to spare.
    Gone are the days when I lived in dreams,
    And when me and my friend use to hide from mother and eat lots of chocolates and creams.
    Gone are the days when my teachers use to tell me to read aloud,
    And I use to recite poems and dance fearlessly in the crowd.
    Gone are the days of innocence when I use to laugh instead of smile,
    Not knowing about sorrows of life and advanced methodologies like agile,
    Now I am stuck in technologies around,
    Really miss the games that I use to play with so many friends in that playground.
    Now I am busy developing, testing, and implementing software’s that talk,
    But I really miss the people with whom I use to sit for hours, talk, play, and walk.
    Gone are the days when my world revolved around toys and I thought my dolls to be alive
    I know it’s Time and no one can bring it back but want those feelings, those sentiments, that concern to revive.
    Life moves on and the time never stays,
    But I still miss those wonderful and cheerful days.

Love in my Own Style

  • Love in my own style

    If I argue or have fights with you, that doesn’t mean that I am against you or want to put you down. Instead I make sure that our arguments/fights do not linger on for long.

    When I am upset and my eyes don’t tear, that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t cry. Indeed, I make sure that I do not make you weak by shedding my tears.

    When I come off strong, that doesn’t mean that nothing’s wrong. Infact, I try to maintain peace and everyone happy at our home.

    If I do not cook delicious food for you every day, that doesn’t mean that I do not care for you. I just make sure that you get good and healthy food on time (i.e. by the time we reach home or leave for office).

    If I do not take out your clothes from cupboard and hand them over to you while you get ready for office, that doesn’t mean that I do not bother about you. I ensure that your clothes are properly washed, ironed and kept at the right place so that you do not find any difficulty when I am not there.

    If I don’t call or message you after every hour, that doesn’t mean that I do not MISS YOU . I simply know that we both are busy working at office and must be busy in office meetings/discussions. I just have a small conversation/talk or text you to check if you are fine.

    If I do not say every day that I LOVE YOU , that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Indeed, I feel and try to make you feel that there’s someone in this world you loves you more than anyone else. There is someone who in this world who ensures that whether she be there or not tomorrow, you do not face any challenge in life or feel that emptiness in your life.

    I Love You In My Own Style!

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